It is currently 1:06 a.m. on a weekday (I used to say 'school night,' but now that doesn't seem appropriate anymore), and I'm still awake. Why? Not because I'm doing anything important or trying to reach a deadline; no, I'm not forced to stay awake for anything. I'm on YouTube listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Modest Mouse while going through the annotations for Mistborn on Brandon Sanderson's site. This would be normal - if it wasn't 1:06 in the morning. (Technically, it's now 1:08. Great.)
This is what I'd like to call insomnia. Or maybe it's stress. I can't tell. Night is the time of the day when I'm most awake, even when I'm tired from the rest of the day. Night is when my brain starts whirring and the wheels start turning, but still I try to quiet and slow it down by going to bed relatively early. I think to myself, If I close my eyes and get really nice and warm under the covers, maybe I'll fall asleep quickly. And then I spend maybe two hours tossing and turning in bed before finally drifting off to sleep. It takes a while. I used to think that was normal, to take a few hours to fall asleep. That is, until I met people who fall asleep in just 15 minutes after they hit the sack. Whaaaaa, how dey do dat?!
But maybe I'm attributing my stress to insomnia. You know, sometimes I can't tell if I'm stressed or not. It's not like I have to write papers or go to exams anymore. But that doesn't mean I'm worry-free. These past few months, I've been thinking about taekwondo a lot. Other times, I think about my day and some significant moments that stand out to me. Or insignificant moments. Basically, all parts of my day I can't help but reflect back on and think about when I'm trying to fall asleep.
How do you turn off the brain? I've tried these breathing exercises people talk about, and they haven't really been working. One friend suggested I think of a color, just one color, and repeat that color in my head to keep my thoughts simple. "Black, black, black, black." Is the repetition supposed to tire me? Instead, my brain wanders when I try this exercise. "Black - not green. Black - not blue. Black - not red." You get the picture. And of course when I say "not [color]," the color I'm not supposed to think about automatically comes to mind.
I don't like to sleep in. That can be problematic, you see. I do fall victim to naps in the middle of the day sometimes, but I also want to cut that out. In my head, I think that if I deprive myself of sleep the whole day, then perhaps I'll have an easier time sleeping at night. Sometimes it works; sometimes it frustratingly doesn't.
I would ask if this is normal, but what does "normal" even mean? What do most people experience in trying to fall asleep, and what percentage of this population does "most" even refer to?
Honestly, I probably fall asleep easily more often than I make it out to be. It's just the bad nights that really stand out in my mind. It's not a caffeine problem, I'm sure. I don't know what it is.
Oh well. Hopefully I tire myself out soon. Who knows? Maybe it'll be a good night tonight.
