pine nut

The pine tree looked down on his fellow shrubs and plants. "I am the greatest among you!" he roared to them. "I am the tallest, the strongest, and the most attractive here. You will obey me!"

A small bush shook angrily, scaring a nearby squirrel. "You're also the craziest!" he squealed. "You will get chopped down before any of us!"

The pine tree moved its long branches gloatingly. "You sad, old bush, you're just jealous. You wish you could grow taller, but you only get fatter!" The pine tree shook excitedly. "One day I'll become so powerful, I'll turn into a human!"

"But until then, you'll only get peed on by the dogs!" screamed a weed. His friends snickered and danced in the wind.

"They're right, you're a nut! You're just crazy!" said the old bush.

Just then a boy walked by carrying a brown paper bag. "I love pine nuts!" he said, throwing something in the air and catching it with his mouth. "I could eat them all day!"

The bush and the weeds laughed uproariously while the pine tree shivered in fright.

Primrose

A little girl and her father sat on a quiet hill in the dark night. They were looking at the city beneath them and marveled at how small the lights looked.

"What do you want for your birthday?" the father asked her.

The little girl looked up at the stars and wished they could be shinier. She pointed her finger up at one particularly bright star and smiled wistfully.

"You want a star?"

It was twinkling at her, winking and smiling and laughing and beckoning her to come. The girl turned away to look at her father and nodded.

He was grinning at her and leaned back on his elbows. "You want to go there? You want to leave this hill and run to the star?"

The girl giggled, but she shook her head. Gently, she reached out towards the winking star and tried to close it into her palm. But when she opened her hand, there was nothing there and the star was still winking at her.

Her father laughed. "You want to touch it?"

He got up and walked away, his steps softly dying away in the silence. The little girl tried to wink back at the star, but she couldn't.

Her father came back and sat down. "Did you know some stars live in flowers? Give me your hand," he said. He placed a flower in her palm and she smiled.

Now she could touch the star.

poodle

If I had a poodle
I think I would call it Paul
He would be big and white
And he would come when I call


If Paul was my poodle
Then he would play with me
Catch or tag or maybe baseball
Soccer and ultimate frisbee


If Paul was strong enough
He would let me ride on his back
I can be the cowboy and he's my horse
Faster than a lightning crack


If Paul gets tired though
Then we can just lie under a tree
He can sleep on the grass
And I can on his tummy


And when Paul gets hungry
I promise I'll buy him meat
I can toss it high into the air
And to eat he'd jump off his feet


If Paul and I got bored one day
And we wanted to travel around
We can camp in the forest together
And be secret agents, moving without sound


If Paul got old and tired though
I would help him get to places
He can be the cowboy and I'm his horse
And we would still win races


If that was a real dog
It would be the best poodle ever
Paul and I would be best friends
Forever and ever and ever

tulips for you

When she woke up, the room was still dark. The sun forgot to wake her this morning, so now she was late. Sometimes there's no time for breakfast - she'll just wait for lunch.


She ran out of her apartment without checking the weather. When she finally ran inside the restaurant, she was sopping wet and cold from the rain. Her boss yelled at her in front of everyone for getting the floor all wet before pushing a mop in her hands. She looked down at the puddle. Sometimes there are messes - she'll just have to clean them up.


A sick boy threw up on her and a baby pulled her hair for refilling its water. She served a cute boy with freckles, but he wouldn't look at her even when she told him to have a nice day. When she gave a man with a mustache his check, he tossed it at her and refused to pay while his daughter graffitied the table with a Sharpie. Sometimes there are days like these, she reasoned - you just has to look forward.


But by the end of the day, her boss told her not to bother coming back. Her coworkers tried to comfort her, but it was hard to listen when you're holding your last paycheck. She walked home... in the rain. Sometimes you can't win - and you know it.


She was starting to cry when suddenly, she couldn't feel the rain on her anymore. The cute boy with freckles from the restaurant was holding an umbrella and was finally looking at her. His eyes were deep brown. Is it possible to have eyes smiling at you? He handed her a single tulip with a note.


"You're beautiful - can I have your number?"

FLUFFY

There once was a garden gnome named Fluffy.  He had a red pointed hat, a long white beard, and a big grin pasted on his face.  But he was not happy.


Fluffy thought about the big pillows and blankets that he sometimes sees.  "Why is my name Fluffy?" he thought.  "I'm not filled with feathers or made of cotton.  I'm stiff and heavy, and I am definitely not fluffy."  If statues could cry, Fluffy would have had two big tears on his face.  But because he was made of ceramic, he didn't.


"Plus, Fluffy makes me sound girly.  Excuse me sir," Fluffy asked a bird nearby.  "What do you think of my name, Fluffy?"


"I think you're a Miss Gnomer," laughed the bird before flying away.

 

turtles

Today's topic: turtles!


"I don't pay rent where I live."


"Being shell-shocked hurts a lot more for me."




I lost my turtles Jenny and Matilda (clever...) when I was young. I was playing with them outside when I got called in for dinner. I forgot that turtles are not like dogs; they don't follow you.

carrots!

I was talking to a friend about what the future holds in store for us, and I realize that if I want something to happen, I'm going to have to make it happen.


So here it is: I'm going to be a carrot comic writer!


Confused? Me too. Basically after pouring my worries about graduating ("What would you do with a B.A. in English?") she suggested to me to write more often than I have been.


"Write something today! Write something funny about... carrots!"


Great idea.


This was yesterday, so I obviously failed already. But no time like the present, right? So instead of just shrugging it off, I'll try.






Fake tans are bad, but at least you know they'll peel off.


Weight really does shed off of me.


What does a head of lettuce really refer to?


I feel down in the dirt today.