crumbs

"Lemon Pistachio, Pumpkin Bliss, Chocolate Razzle." My eyes greedily glazed over the colorful decorated sweets, all of which hold a kind of promise to them. "This place has everything!"

"I love cupcakes," agreed my sister. She casually looked over the labels and pointed at a cupcake with pink frosting. "This one's my favorite. Do you want anything?"

Her voice seemed a mile away. The cupcake was beautiful, sitting there so innocently behind the clear glass. It definitely was Love At First Bite for me.

An elbow poked into my side. "Uh, hello? Do you want anything?"

I shook my head, my mouth salivating at the thought of the soft cake inside my mouth. "I shouldn't," I heard myself saying. "I should be watching my weight."

My sister laughed and ordered one Pretty in Pink cupcake. "Just take half," she said, handing it to me as she paid the lady at the register. "I bet you'll like this one. I know it looks delicious, but wait till you eat -" Her mouth dropped open as she looked at my empty hand. "Where did it go?"

It was too late. The crumbs on my face gave me away.

innuendo

nintendo


you have to turn it on to play with it.

flamingo

When he looked at her, he thought she was beautiful. Beautiful hair, bright eyes, a great smile - she had it all. She even had nice legs, not that he was looking. He just happened to see them when he was admiring how she sat with that S-curve posture that girls always have.

He didn't talk to her very often, but they could be friends. She laughs at his jokes and doesn't turn away, so that's a good sign, right?

He liked to think that his little brother thought the same. Everyone could look at her and feel the same way, it's just that everyone expresses it differently.

At least that's what he tried to tell her when his brother toddled up to her and told her she looked like a flamingo.

spicy

If you want to put your mouth on fire,
Why not try something spicy?
Go on,
Throw in a red pepper and let it sit there.
The taste touches the tongue first,
And then it makes your nose run
And it makes your body warm
And you start to sweat
And pant
And then you're crying and your face is scrunched up in pain
And soon before you know it, you are dying of thirst.




When I think of spicy foods,
I think about all of this and ask myself,
Do I want to burn my tongue?
No, I do not.


But if I had to commit suicide,
It would be by eating ten peppers.

I wish I could put an evil face on this.

a crunchy target

A voice sounded over the radio. "What's the target?"


I held down a button as I said, "Twelve o'clock. In red." I narrowed my eyes in on the innocent victim and felt a trickle of uncertainty. What if it doesn't go to plan? What if she finds out?


"Got it. Is it a go?"


I took a deep breath. There's only one shot I'll get today, and I'm going to take it. "Yes," I heard myself say. "In three... two... one... Now!"


A tennis ball shot out of nowhere, knocking the target to the ground near where I hid. I looked around and ran out to take what was - is - mine.


"Hey!" a sharp voice ran out. "What are you doing?"


"Abort, abort!" I saw Daniel toss his walkie talkie before he ran off upstairs. Knowing I couldn't run for it, I sighed and faced my judgment.


"I'm hungry?" I offered as explanation. My mom just glared at me as she tore the cookie bag out of my hands.


"You're going to ruin your appetite for dinner! Go upstairs and wash up." She marched me to the bottom of the stairs and waited for me to go all the way up. "Wash your face," she reminded before turning away.


I grumbled as I watched her head dip down and heard her chewing something crunchy.

tin foil

It is not exciting to be a dog, especially a Maltese that stays at home all day without anyone else there keeping her company. She just sits there all day, watching TV until it gets old. She's only interested in the cop shows because they're interesting and have German Shepherds sometimes.


When the cartoons start playing, she knows it's time to turn off the TV. By that time, the sun's rays should be streaming through the window in the living room and creating a square of heat on the floor. That's probably the best time of the day for her, when she gets to lay out on the carpet and bathe in the warmth. She could close her eyes and pretend the sun was a blanket wrapped around her.


But today, it was raining and the sun wasn't coming out. The Maltese looked outside through the water drops on the window pane and saw something shiny walking down the sidewalk. What was it? It looked bright and silvery, not like anything she has ever seen before. It was being pushed along by the tall one with long hair, the one her owner called Babe. The Maltese barked and ran to the door just as it opened.


"It was raining and I didn't have an umbrella! I didn't want to get wet," the statue said.


The tall one was shaking her head, but she looked as if she were trying not to smile. She started peeling the silver wrap to reveal the little boy who the Maltese shared her room with. "Still! You didn't have to use all my tin foil."


"Mrs. Peterson thought it was funny," the boy said sulkily.


The two humans went to the kitchen, leaving the Maltese by herself again. She sniffed at the silver stuff left on the floor and backed away. It does not smell like a good snack. She ran to the kitchen to see if there was something better for her there.

waffles

"Blueberry waffles are so delicious." I eagerly took another bite and poured more syrup. There was nothing like a stack of waffles to greet you in the morning.


"You know what's even better? Blueberry pancakes." He cut into a stack of three pancakes while looking at my waffles. "Your breakfast looks too decorative. Food is to eat, not to make into art."


I shrugged. That's his opinion, even though it's wrong. "Yeah well, your pancakes look like you sat on them. They're so flat and squished." I smiled at him all the while thinking about eating something that someone sat on. Ew, gross.


He laughed, but it didn't seem very genuine. "They're not squished! Besides, your waffles look like someone punched squares all over them, and that's weird."


I put down my fork. "That's the design, stupid. Waffles look like that!" I glared at him. "Your pancakes look like sandpaper cut out in shapes of circles!"


He pushed back from the table angrily and stood up, his nose flaring. "You liar! You just like squares, you square!"


I stood up too, breathing heavily. "At least I'm not trying to eat a shape that I'm going to turn into!"


He sputtered, pointing at me. Then he calmed down and folded his arms, looking down at me with anger in his eyes. "You know what I really think?" He leaned closer and chuckled darkly. "I think waffles suck. They taste bad."


I gasped and pushed him away. "You take that back!"


"Make me!"


My eyes narrowed. Oh, I will.

stale

The raisin is a proud one

He has dignity and grace

He's articulative and smart

And finds nobility in his place

Until a young prune rolls by

As slowly as a snail

He looks at the proud raisin and asks,

"Hey, have you gone stale?"

The young and innocent

The old and stale

loafers

"Kelly, I'm not going to tell you again! Go and put on your loafers. We have to get to school!" I couldn't find the bread that I bought a few days ago, so I just grabbed some cereal bars for breakfast. "I'm serious, Kelly! Come out!"


Kelly ran out into the hallway and threw something hard and crunchy down. "I'm ready!" she said triumphantly.

"... Very funny."

I hope it's raining.

top hat

Have I told you about this top hat? No? It's more than what you think. It's got powers... No, really, it does.


My father gave it to me for my eighth birthday. I had a dance recital the next day, so I was too nervous to celebrate with cake or anything that required me holding something. You know how kids build things up in their minds? Well, in my mind the dance recital was like giving a speech to run for class president. I knew other kids were going to be up there with me, but it didn't matter.


My father noticed I couldn't stop running to the restroom and that I hadn't touched any of my birthday presents. What's wrong, he asked.


I'm going to trip and fall tomorrow, I told him. I knew I would because something always goes wrong. I'm going to forget the steps and hit the person on my left, and then I'm going to embarrass myself and the whole class because I can't dance.


My father took my hand and led me to the garage. He opened one of the storage cabinets and took from the very top a black top hat.


Don't tell anyone, he said, but this hat's more than a hat. This hat makes you powerful. It will help you dance.


I didn't really believe him at first, but then I held it in my hands and immediately I felt a warm sensation in my fingers. The hat was pulsing a beat through me that overrode the erratic one of my heart, and suddenly I felt calmer.


We ate cake and opened presents that day. I went to bed with the top hat in hand and held it close to my chest, sleeping with it like how babies sleep with toys. When I woke up the next day, the hat was still in my hands protecting me.


I was the best one at the recital. I wore the hat despite my dance teacher's protestations, and as the music began I felt the hat move me as if it had control over my legs. I was on time, dancing to the beat, and my legs were graceful and on point. You don't understand, this hat danced for me. My father said for him, the hat -


"Okay, geez, I'll take it already!"


The teenager stuffed five dollars in my hand and snatched the dusty old top hat. "I was just wondering how old it was," he grumbled as he walked away.


Oh well, at least I made five dollars.

pine nut

The pine tree looked down on his fellow shrubs and plants. "I am the greatest among you!" he roared to them. "I am the tallest, the strongest, and the most attractive here. You will obey me!"

A small bush shook angrily, scaring a nearby squirrel. "You're also the craziest!" he squealed. "You will get chopped down before any of us!"

The pine tree moved its long branches gloatingly. "You sad, old bush, you're just jealous. You wish you could grow taller, but you only get fatter!" The pine tree shook excitedly. "One day I'll become so powerful, I'll turn into a human!"

"But until then, you'll only get peed on by the dogs!" screamed a weed. His friends snickered and danced in the wind.

"They're right, you're a nut! You're just crazy!" said the old bush.

Just then a boy walked by carrying a brown paper bag. "I love pine nuts!" he said, throwing something in the air and catching it with his mouth. "I could eat them all day!"

The bush and the weeds laughed uproariously while the pine tree shivered in fright.

Primrose

A little girl and her father sat on a quiet hill in the dark night. They were looking at the city beneath them and marveled at how small the lights looked.

"What do you want for your birthday?" the father asked her.

The little girl looked up at the stars and wished they could be shinier. She pointed her finger up at one particularly bright star and smiled wistfully.

"You want a star?"

It was twinkling at her, winking and smiling and laughing and beckoning her to come. The girl turned away to look at her father and nodded.

He was grinning at her and leaned back on his elbows. "You want to go there? You want to leave this hill and run to the star?"

The girl giggled, but she shook her head. Gently, she reached out towards the winking star and tried to close it into her palm. But when she opened her hand, there was nothing there and the star was still winking at her.

Her father laughed. "You want to touch it?"

He got up and walked away, his steps softly dying away in the silence. The little girl tried to wink back at the star, but she couldn't.

Her father came back and sat down. "Did you know some stars live in flowers? Give me your hand," he said. He placed a flower in her palm and she smiled.

Now she could touch the star.

poodle

If I had a poodle
I think I would call it Paul
He would be big and white
And he would come when I call


If Paul was my poodle
Then he would play with me
Catch or tag or maybe baseball
Soccer and ultimate frisbee


If Paul was strong enough
He would let me ride on his back
I can be the cowboy and he's my horse
Faster than a lightning crack


If Paul gets tired though
Then we can just lie under a tree
He can sleep on the grass
And I can on his tummy


And when Paul gets hungry
I promise I'll buy him meat
I can toss it high into the air
And to eat he'd jump off his feet


If Paul and I got bored one day
And we wanted to travel around
We can camp in the forest together
And be secret agents, moving without sound


If Paul got old and tired though
I would help him get to places
He can be the cowboy and I'm his horse
And we would still win races


If that was a real dog
It would be the best poodle ever
Paul and I would be best friends
Forever and ever and ever

tulips for you

When she woke up, the room was still dark. The sun forgot to wake her this morning, so now she was late. Sometimes there's no time for breakfast - she'll just wait for lunch.


She ran out of her apartment without checking the weather. When she finally ran inside the restaurant, she was sopping wet and cold from the rain. Her boss yelled at her in front of everyone for getting the floor all wet before pushing a mop in her hands. She looked down at the puddle. Sometimes there are messes - she'll just have to clean them up.


A sick boy threw up on her and a baby pulled her hair for refilling its water. She served a cute boy with freckles, but he wouldn't look at her even when she told him to have a nice day. When she gave a man with a mustache his check, he tossed it at her and refused to pay while his daughter graffitied the table with a Sharpie. Sometimes there are days like these, she reasoned - you just has to look forward.


But by the end of the day, her boss told her not to bother coming back. Her coworkers tried to comfort her, but it was hard to listen when you're holding your last paycheck. She walked home... in the rain. Sometimes you can't win - and you know it.


She was starting to cry when suddenly, she couldn't feel the rain on her anymore. The cute boy with freckles from the restaurant was holding an umbrella and was finally looking at her. His eyes were deep brown. Is it possible to have eyes smiling at you? He handed her a single tulip with a note.


"You're beautiful - can I have your number?"

FLUFFY

There once was a garden gnome named Fluffy.  He had a red pointed hat, a long white beard, and a big grin pasted on his face.  But he was not happy.


Fluffy thought about the big pillows and blankets that he sometimes sees.  "Why is my name Fluffy?" he thought.  "I'm not filled with feathers or made of cotton.  I'm stiff and heavy, and I am definitely not fluffy."  If statues could cry, Fluffy would have had two big tears on his face.  But because he was made of ceramic, he didn't.


"Plus, Fluffy makes me sound girly.  Excuse me sir," Fluffy asked a bird nearby.  "What do you think of my name, Fluffy?"


"I think you're a Miss Gnomer," laughed the bird before flying away.

 

turtles

Today's topic: turtles!


"I don't pay rent where I live."


"Being shell-shocked hurts a lot more for me."




I lost my turtles Jenny and Matilda (clever...) when I was young. I was playing with them outside when I got called in for dinner. I forgot that turtles are not like dogs; they don't follow you.

carrots!

I was talking to a friend about what the future holds in store for us, and I realize that if I want something to happen, I'm going to have to make it happen.


So here it is: I'm going to be a carrot comic writer!


Confused? Me too. Basically after pouring my worries about graduating ("What would you do with a B.A. in English?") she suggested to me to write more often than I have been.


"Write something today! Write something funny about... carrots!"


Great idea.


This was yesterday, so I obviously failed already. But no time like the present, right? So instead of just shrugging it off, I'll try.






Fake tans are bad, but at least you know they'll peel off.


Weight really does shed off of me.


What does a head of lettuce really refer to?


I feel down in the dirt today.